The Defibrillator Toaster
My mom would be so annoyed… every morning I would run into the kitchen screaming “WE’RE LOSING THEM!!! BEEP BEEP BEEPBEEPBEEP!”
“DON’T YOU DIE ON ME, DAMNIT!!! NURSE, WE NEED 12 CC’S OF CREAM CHEESE, STAT!!!”
He’s bread, Jim.
Time of deliciousness: 7:15 A.M
If we don’t restart his heart , he’s toast!
JESUS CRUST.
JAM IT!
“Daddy’s in a butter place now, kids.”
(Source: secretsbest, via superfly-octopi)
boys in fights:
i hate you man fuck you
girls in fights:
Your eyes are uneven and you're fat and you're an attention whore and you're dumb and I bet the only reason you have good grades is because you sleep with your teachers. Also, I had sex with your boyfriend. And also I deleted you off facebook and unfollowed you and I hope you live alone for the rest of your life and even your cats run away from you. PS your mom is sleeping with her yoga teacher. Bye, cunt.
tim burton:
hey guys i had an idea-
producers:
oh god not again
tim burton:
so we have some undead people
tim burton:
who are creepy and shit
tim burton:
and helena you know my wife helena she's in it of course
tim burton:
and we call up johnny you know johnny depp to be in it
tim burton:
what do you think?
A day with my period.
period:
WAKE UP ASSHOLE, YOU GOT CRAMPS.
period:
How bout an entire chocolate cake for breakfast?
period:
How's that back pain? Feeling better? Let's fix that.
period:
Corneas glance by a VS magazine on the table. Instantly horny.
period:
Find a cookie as big as a house and eat it.
period:
Where's your Tic Tac box filled with ibuprofen?
period:
Got things to do? Don't care. Sleep.
period:
See a female specimen of any kind. Instantly horny.
period:
For dinner you're eating an entire bag of Reese's buttercups.
period:
Breeze blows by. Instantly horny.
period:
You didn't like those brand new underwear right?
period:
Yell at a puppy.
period:
Close eyes and wait for repeat tomorrow.
*tiger stripes
i just made a post about my strechmarks yesterday! but i do :(
yep & idgaf!!
(via ifonlyiknew-whattowrite)
